The hand that held the flame retreated into the
darkness after the cigarette had been lit. Lit only
by the flickering candle in the center of the small
table and the bright ends of two Marlboros, the face
across from her seemed distorted, alien. But it was
smiling, laughing. The air in the club was thick with
smoke, and at the front a hardcore punk band was
thrashing its equipment along with the eardrums of
everyone within a hundred yards.
Angela inhaled the smoke of the room; and then took a
drag on her cigarette as the chaser. She let the
smoke mingle in her lungs, wrapping around her insides
until she could feel the nicotine flowing through her
veins and into the deep recesses of her brain. Then
she exhaled, long and slow, before trying to recapture
a second helping with her next breath. The band
started doing a heavy metal version of "She’s Tight"
and her companion playfully pressed her bare foot
against Angela’s crotch under the table just before
both of them erupted in laughter.
"Let’s do something," said Tina, eyeing Angela
mischievously. Seeing Angela’s look of surprise, she
immediately dropped her foot to the floor and
continued, "No, I mean let’s get out of this dump and
have some kind of adventure or something. There’s got
to be something interesting to do in this stupid
town."
In her mind Angela immediately pictured her and Tina
joyriding, Thelma and Louise-style, in a convertible
bound for the bottom of the Grand Canyon. "I like
this band. Let’s stay here a little longer and see
who plays next. Aren’t you having fun here?"
"Hey, I know you’re not looking for anyone, but I’ve
still got some wild oats to sow. There’s no one
remotely interesting in this place." Tina ashed her
cigarette and took another quick look around. "I
mean, the lead singer of Christian Fish Spit doesn’t
look too bad, but I’m not sure if I want to contract a
disease at this stage in my life. C’mon, I hear a new
club has opened up on Eighth St. I think some dancing
would do you some good."
Angela winced and shuttled back the last sip of white
wine in her glass. "I don’t know why everyone has to
be interested in doing me good. Basically it’s a lack
of respect for my ability to take care of myself."
She grabbed the bottle and filled her glass to the
rim, inevitably spilling some as she held the glass
out defiantly in front of her. "And I know what
dancing is like. Don’t think I don’t know anything
about dancing. But I’m having a perfectly good time
here. You go on and play your mating games at the new
Studio 47, or whatever it is. I’m perfectly happy to
call a taxi."
"You’re incurable," grimaced Tina. "I can’t believe
you’re really having as much fun as you think you are.
There’s a whole world out there, and you’re so
content to go on just living in your own mind. You
can’t get everything out of books, you know." She
didn’t want to fight about it, so without another word
Tina grabbed her purse, flipping her share of the bill
onto the table.
"What am I doing here?," said Angela. "Didn’t I let
you talk me into coming here in the first place? This
isn’t a book. Why keep looking for fun when I’m
already happy? And if I think I’m happy, doesn’t that
mean that I am happy? I think the least our brains
could do is give us some kind of reliable confirmation
as to whether or not we are actually happy. But if
I’m only fooling myself that I’m happy, well, in the
end isn’t that just as good as actually being happy?
Well, isn’t it?" Tina had already slipped into the
blackness surrounding the table, and Angela wondered
how long she had been talking to herself. The music
seemed to be getting louder, even in the last few
moments, and she was having trouble even just hearing
herself think, a state which she found herself quite
enjoying. It was almost as though the music was
pulsing through her, and she had become nothing but a
conductor of electric sound waves ricocheting around
the room.
The song seemed to go on forever, and she felt
compelled after a while to get closer to it, before
the effect wore off, before her thoughts once again
interrupted her full immersion in unconscious
pleasure. She rose and let her feet follow her down
the few steps towards the main floor of the club. The
way was half-blocked with teenagers and wannabees
swaying as if in some kind of hypnotic state. She
pressed through the crowd, almost to the front where
there was a wall of people standing between the giant
towers of speakers on either side of the stage.
The stage was only a couple of feet off the floor,
but Angela could see the lead singer clearly over the
tops of the people in front of her. His hair was
short and dark, maybe even dyed black, and on top it
was long and wild, shooting out in every conceivable
direction. Through the hair his eyes burned out at
the crowd, and it was possible to tell immediately
that the sound that poured forth from the band through
the speakers was a direct extension of his soul, that
he alone was responsible for the architectured noise
filling the club.
The singer sang into a microphone, but his hands were
clutching a guitar as well, and his hands jerked up
and down along the strings faster and faster even as
his voice cried out. The people in the crowd around
Angela started to move more and more, and suddenly
bodies were bouncing off of each other in dangerous
fury. Se did not resist the mob and felt her feet
lift off the ground even as she was almost crushed in
the push from all sides. The energy of the room grew
even now with each beat and strum, each scream and
shout. It had reached the level where it had become
unbearable, and sweat poured from each member of the
band as they worked to extend the frenzy they had
created. Then with a crash it was over but even
before the echoes had begun to subside from the
amplifiers, the lead singer dropped his guitar and
leapt off the stage into the violent sea of humanity
before him.
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